Imagine you’ve spent the last ten years out in the depths of space and, because you’ve met no aliens, you can’t find a razor blade and have used the last loo roll, you have decided to come home and now, in November 2013, you’ve arrived back on Earth.
What would be the things that strike you as most different to when you left? Blimey, the Government has Tories and Liberals in it! How did that happen? What’s this party called UKIP – they seem to be doing well.
Plymouth’s got an MP called Oliver – he must be posh. Your country’s been involved in three, yes three wars since you left. Still the world’s in a mess though.
Next, your friends and family have all got these weird phones that do amazing things and a host of other electronic gadgets. Many seem to be named after fruits – apple, orange, blackberry. Is there perhaps a banana?
Your mates have all got something called APPS – what is that and where can you get one? Road maps have disappeared and been replaced by something called GPS.
Books seem to be on the way out and people read from tablets – funny, you thought they were for headaches.
Talking to friends, you find out that they’re obsessed with famous people and they call them ‘celebrities’. Your friends even know the names of the celebs’ pets and what bedtime drinks they like.
You look at the TV schedules and they’re dominated by cookery programmes and Professor Brian Cox. You don’t believe it – there are hundreds of channels yet nothing that looks good to watch.
Few of your friends have jobs – those that do are getting paid peanuts – how are they surviving? You come across a gas bill and find it’s the size of your entire savings from ten years ago.
You buy a pint and it costs three times as much as the last one you bought.
You look around you in the shopping centre and see loads of empty shops and that the fashionable look is now to look 2 stone heavier – you must start eating a bit more to catch up, you say.
Plymouth seems to have 24 coffee shops and lots of places called pay day loan companies.
Recalling that your team, Plymouth Argyle, are a Championship side, you finally get to look at the latest football league tables. You notice that the same old teams are top of the Premier Division. Wow, Rangers are not in the Scottish Premier, Yeovil are in the Championship!
You’re still looking to see where Argyle are in the Championship table. Still looking, still looking – no this can’t be right, they’re 5 points from the bottom of League Two.
What on Earth has happened to them?
You talk to your friends and they explain the sad truth of the last ten years. They tell you about the year Argyle almost went out of business, that they’ve been knocked out of the Cup by two non-league teams, and about the years of struggle, especially the last three when they almost went out of the league.
You see that Argyle have only scored 4 goals at home in the league. This is by far the worst in the division. This is awful. You run out to Home Park to see if it’s still there. Your name is still on the brick in Pilgrims’ Way but there’s a fair bit of grass growing around it.
You walk across the road and buy a pint in the Britannia. Some good things – the beer’s still great and you still have friends and family.
You take another look at the tables – horror of horrors – you must have missed it but you find that we’re below Exeter City – that’s enough – you can’t take any more and get in your spaceship – you’re off to try and meet some aliens and start a new football team!
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