‘Dear Mr Westley
The fans of Plymouth Argyle are saddened to read your comments following the match against your Stevenage team on Tuesday.
Firstly, we are sorry that you ‘feared for your safety’ when our 19-year old 9 stone midfielder had the cheek to try and attempt to collect the ball from you for a throw-in to Argyle. We of course realised you just wanted to firmly touch the famous Mayflower club crest on his shirt and in no way did you push the teenager. Your players followed your example because throughout the game they attempted to pull the shirt off an Argyle player to keep as a souvenir.
Secondly, we would like to apologise for the behaviour of Lewis Alessandra who had the audacity to place his head in front of an elbow of one your players, in fact this trend continued throughout the game from the rest of the Argyle team, we can only hope the elbows of your players are not too sore and will be available for use in your next game.
The fans have pledged to search for the sniper who was sat somewhere in the stands taking pop shots at your players, especially after your fine Stevenage team had taken the lead. After taking a hit from this sniper your players would instantly fall down and lay injured for several minutes, this only appeared to happen when your team where defending. Rest assured this ‘Sniper in the Stands’ will be brought to justice.
We would also like to congratulate you for having the best physio in the UK, a physio who can work miracles on players who were seemingly beyond any medical help known to man.
Finally, the Argyle fans wish you and your team good luck for the season and hope you avoid relegation; the free-flowing one-touch total footballing system you deploy would be a huge loss to League Two.
The Green Army.’
Apologies Mr W
‘Dear Mr Westley